تويت
hello
The Old Perfesser (TM, dammit!) poses the following problem to one of
his classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?
his classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?
HORSE IN THE HOUSE
Joe was trying to lead a horse in the street, but was having much trouble getting the horse’s cooperation. A passerby stopped and asked if he could help. Joe was grateful and gladly accepted.
After much pushing and shoving, they finally got the horse to the front door of Joe’s department. Joe indicated that the horse was to go through the door. More pushing and shoving.
Once inside, Joe and the passerby managed to work the horse up the steps and into Joe’s apartment on the third floor, then through the living room and into the bathtub.
Wiping the sweat from his brow, the good Samaritan said, “I don’t want to be nosy, but this is most unusual…”
Joe said, “When my wife comes home, she’ll look in the bathroom and say, ‘There’s a horse in there!’ “
“Hey, how many times in a man’s life will they ever get the chance to tell their wife, ‘I know! I know!’?”
Joe was trying to lead a horse in the street, but was having much trouble getting the horse’s cooperation. A passerby stopped and asked if he could help. Joe was grateful and gladly accepted.
After much pushing and shoving, they finally got the horse to the front door of Joe’s department. Joe indicated that the horse was to go through the door. More pushing and shoving.
Once inside, Joe and the passerby managed to work the horse up the steps and into Joe’s apartment on the third floor, then through the living room and into the bathtub.
Wiping the sweat from his brow, the good Samaritan said, “I don’t want to be nosy, but this is most unusual…”
Joe said, “When my wife comes home, she’ll look in the bathroom and say, ‘There’s a horse in there!’ “
“Hey, how many times in a man’s life will they ever get the chance to tell their wife, ‘I know! I know!’?”
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)
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