German humorist Wilhelm Busch apparently once said, “It’s not hard to become a father. Being one is the really difficult part”.
As the world commemorated Father’s Day this Sunday, it is apt to see how the meaning of being a father has evolved over the years, and fatherhood itself has changed in the new millennium.
Traditionally seen as the breadwinners of the family, out of the house for hours, days, even months and years as they fished, gathered or traded across the oceans, fathers played little role in the nurturing of children and had little stake in moulding their minds.
Today, more than ever, fathers are an integral part of a nuclear family, at least physically. They spend more time at home, at times even working from home. Unless in the case of migrant fathers, they stay involved in the daily routine of their children — schoolwork, nutrition, entertainment and everyday chores.
Popular culture like films, advertisements and the ever present social media also vouch for changed roles of fathers. We are inundated with images of fathers being present at childbirth, cooking for their children, even braiding their daughter’s hair. Such images lend respectability to chores which were earlier seen as only belonging to women in the family, particularly mothers.
Literature, always at the front of new ideas and theories, has also done much to promote these changed roles among fathers. There is a whole industry of motivational and self-help books on fatherhood, with focus on bonding, negotiating discipline and being an emotional support.
Atticus Finch from Harper Lee’s novel ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’, the narrator in Cormac McCarthy’s apocalyptic novel ‘The Road’ and even Hamlet’s ghost-father are all examples of ‘good’ fathers in western literature. Good in that they are protective, nurturing and friendly.
Elsewhere, fatherhood can be more clouded. ‘Baba’ in Khalid Hosseini’s “The Kite Runner”, Matussem Ramoud in Diane Abu-Jaber’s “Arabian Jazz” or Rahamat in Rabindranath Tagore’s ‘Kabuliwala’ are all more complex characters who struggle with what it means to be the ‘head of the family’ and the challenges that come with such a traditional role.
New fathers tend to be conflicted because they live in two worlds: The one of their own fathers which is marked by discipline and reticence and the softer, friendlier version they see in popular culture. A scene from the iconic film ‘Kramer vs Kramer’ has Dustin Hoffman initially struggling to make scrambled eggs, in contrast to the last poignant scene where he has mastered the art, but has no son to make the eggs for. Such re-definitions of the role of the father means that new paths to fatherhood are now available, and that is both a challenge and an inspiration.
As Christopher Shiple from the website ‘Parent Map’ says, “Instead of comparing what we do to what our dads or grandfathers did, let’s compare what we do to what our partners do”. The bar is definitely higher for new dads.
– happy father’s day!
Sandhya Rao Mehta
The writer is Assoc Prof, Dept of English Language and Literature, SQU
